Excerpt from King High School's New Students Handbook. (Inspired student commentary in brackets.)

A Note to New Students:

Welcome to Martin Luther King Jr. High School! With close to 3100 students in grades 9-12, KHS is the largest public high school in the Gerlord County School System. Not only are we an academically superior school, with standardized test scores consistently in the top quartile among all state schools [Like this is something to brag about. -A.H.], we also have many excellent sports teams. As you no doubt remember, it was only six years ago that our football team was ranked in the top 10 among Washington division AAA teams. [Does the phrase 'clinging desperately to the past' seem appropriate to anyone else? -F.C.] So again, welcome! I look forward to meeting each and every one of you in the future. [Yeah right! -W.R] And remember... It's great to be a Trojan! [Argh! Our school mascot is a condom! -K.E.]
Your principal,
Richard Aldrich
[aka, The Head Dick -L.Z.]
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